I’ve been thinking with longing about my last couple of years of university; the frequent bliss, joy and peace I felt then. While it was due in large part to meditation, I think it was also to do with my deep, secret belief that one day I would find my “soulmate”, a human figure kept comfortably in the future. And when I found them I would know true intimacy and happiness. I loved to believe that my soulmate and I had never truly been separated, and we were together in spirit always. The thought made me feel connected, protected, loved.
I cherished this fantasy for a long time and it ignited a deep well of love in me whenever I thought of it. And while of course I was misguided in placing all that expectation on a human being, I’m now aware that eternal, unconditional connection and acceptance is available to me in the Divine. I’ve been longing for the joy I used to feel, but I can feel it now, just by being aware of how madly, deeply, and unendingly God loves me. And how much I love God. Because we long for each other, because I am God and God is me. Because we are Love.
Surrendering to that embrace, believing myself worthy of it, is my spiritual path. That’s where the joy lives, the childlike wonder, the ecstatic rush of bliss we taste when we fall in love, that’s how it feels when we can admit how much Spirit loves us. And then, finally, I find the strength to be fully myself, to reach out to others, to serve, to do good things and hard things in my own tiny human way. Because the universe loves me. And it’s been waiting all my life for me to remember that.
I am a dog tied to a pole
running and running
and all the while winding down, down, into the centre,
back to stillness.
Why do You accept my fickle, wandering heart and
lavish it with a love that slices right through my bones,
splits me wide open until the whole world fits inside?
Is it because You know every new infatuation, hypnosis, distraction,
it’s really all You in disguise?
Do You watch me like a child, as I’m
chasing butterflies and watching them fly,
picking flowers and seeing them wilt,
building in sand and finding it crumbles?
Do You watch me with that love in Your eyes
that peels me naked and wraps me around You
till my body becomes Your ornament,
and smile as You think to Yourself,
“One day she’ll realize. And she’ll come home at last.”
And my Darling, within this frail mortal heart I know it’s true.