Day 7: Things Get Trickier

The numbers 1111 have been popping up a lot for me lately. I find myself glancing at the clock dead on whenever it ticks around, I see it in books and on signs. Because I’m super into Doreen Virtue right now and have a lot of free time, I decided to look up what that means in her world. What I learned is repeatedly seeing 1111 around is a sign from spirits, angels, the Universe, whatever name you’re most comfortable with, that you need to be watchful of your thoughts because they are becoming form instantly. Be careful what you think, it’s immediately coming into being around you.

Damn. No pressure or anything.

It’s a concept I’ve bumped up against many times in the past, in countless spiritual teachings. Watch your thoughts, they become your life. They are the glasses through which you see the world.

Even though I know this idea, Doreen said it in a way that gave me a jolt. My thoughts are instantly becoming form? Whether you believe in manifesting or not, it’s a profound thing to lay out there. And even the biggest skeptic has to acknowledge your outlook radically impacts the way you view people, situations, changes. Going into an IHOP is a very different experience for someone who’s not eaten all day and loves French toast, from someone who’s gluten-free and recently had food poisoning after some bad Belgian waffles. Every thought you allow shapes your surroundings. Could someone go through their entire day as if that were true? What would that look like?

I’d live in a world where every thought of fear would be halted and replaced by a thought of courage. I would turn from disappointment to hope with only a second’s pause. I would focus on peoples’ best qualities and amplify them. I would feed kindness and grow it larger and larger. I would go through my day with confidence that even if it didn’t look so in the moment, everything was falling into place and working out beautifully. I would live in a space of love, of all kinds, and project that out and make it tangible. I would give love form.

This degree of inner speech awareness is what I reach for, but you know…you slip. So having a reminder like “your thoughts are instantly becoming reality” is a welcome kick up the butt. Girl, what you think creates your life. Take it seriously.

It’s an interesting day for this to come forward for me. For the first time since I began this challenge I really struggled to get out even the prose part of this post today, which is usually what comes easiest to me. Then it was time to write the poem, and I basically just beat my head against the screen for a few hours, crying internally, “Poetry Gods! Why have you forsaken me!?”

I was talking about inner speech awareness, yet when I took a look in my head I saw a lonely tumbleweed. What did I have to be aware of? Eventually I had to take a break, then write a poem I was fairly okay with, then decide I didn’t like it, take another break, force myself to look back on it, and finally just throw my hands in the air. This is the best I can do today, I will put all the heart and soul I have into it, and that’s that. I will not apologize for it. I will choose my thoughts around this experience, and say I love myself for showing up and keeping this commitment to myself, even when it was difficult.

I’ll be on the lookout for 1111 in the future, and look forward to it as a gentle nudge to keep my thoughts on love, gratitude, humility and joyful outcomes. That’s the kind of world I want to live in, so that is the world I will try to create in the thoughts I allow to take up residence in my mind. On a more concrete, personal level, I will choose not to beat myself up for not being where I think I should be, or not writing as well as I have other days, or not having perfect relationships. At a certain point, you just have to throw your hands in the air and say “This is the best I can do today. And because I did it with heart, it is more than enough.”

Thoughts are truth invisible, as far as your mind is concerned. Just because you can’t see them or they’re not true in the external world doesn’t mean they aren’t working on you, aren’t shaping the person you are and will become. Tending to that truth is a tremendous job and a tremendous privilege. And I choose to believe I’m up for the task.

Poem #7

We tried to share my rose-coloured world.

She ran from the weight of hers,

forged of stone and arrow slits.

But her prison had roots,

clawed into the ground year after year,

bitter earth beaten into shape –

my blush-gold smile frail as hope.

It blew away like dust;

without a castle, I withered.

The soil under me fertile,

but my seedling too young,

too eager to reach up before knowing how to stand.

Now I don’t take the chance.

Shovel in hand, I plant my joy,

tend it as the precious living thing it is.

With luck it’ll grow into a forest.

With courage, I’ll protect it from myself.

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