A few weeks ago I gained and lost a job in less than 24 hours. I was at my most anxious about money, feeling powerless and fearful. Then I heard about a little freelance online job I could apply for. It wasn’t a lot of money but it would have been a way to make a bit of extra cash and feel that I was contributing. At the time it seemed like the only way.
I worked hard on the application, sent it off and to calm my nerves I said a quick prayer:
If it’s for my Highest Good, please help me get this job.
A couple of hours later I got the email confirmation that I was in, and I was thrilled. I went to bed excited and when I couldn’t sleep I actually got up and worked for an hour at 1am. I made a stupid mistake on my work (that I probably wouldn’t have made during daylight) and when I checked my email the next morning I found my account had been terminated. The job was gone. No second chances.
I was really disappointed, ashamed of myself for screwing up, for being back at square one, for being useless and a burden on my parents. I tried to reassure myself that it wasn’t meant for me, that something else would turn up. But that day I was pretty depressed. I let myself be upset, angry, frustrated, even self-pitying for a short time. I knew it was temporary. The next day I was able to start looking for other ways I could work, confident there was something out there for me. It was still a disappointment to have lost the job, but I trusted the process. Then again, I wasn’t all that attached to that particular position: the pay wasn’t great, I wasn’t passionate about it and I hadn’t heard about it long enough to be super excited about it. It was relatively easy to let go of. What about things I’m far more attached to?
I’ve been grieving a friendship lately that sadly didn’t end on great terms. And while I’m trying to release this person with only forgiveness and love, my ego feeds off thoughts of blame and resentment. There’s a part of me that really struggles not to give into the temptation to replay our last conversation over and over again. I’ve imagined pointing out to them every mistake they made so I might feel less guilty about leaving.
It’s been a month since we spoke, and yet I’m still experiencing these attack thoughts, or guilty thoughts. Perhaps I don’t want to fully release even these painful thoughts because then it will really be over. If I stop having imaginary fights with them, they’ll really be gone from my life.
But it’s time now. It’s time to let go. I don’t want to view them in this negative way, because they’re a good person and I sincerely want them to be happy. Last night in bed, I found myself replaying the same old fight, stewing in the same old anger. And in that half asleep state I didn’t have the mental strength to steer away into thoughts of forgiveness and release us. Then my brain created an image. In the familiar scene, beside me I imagined an angel, her hand on my shoulder. She spoke with a gentle, comforting, big sisterly energy:
“That’s enough, honey. Come away now.”
And just like that I got up and left the room, letting her steer me out of the situation. Because it is enough now. I understand why I’m clinging, why I’m reluctant to really let go of this person, but it’s time, and I needed a wiser big-sister part of me to step in and help me with that. That relationship isn’t meant for me anymore, so I choose to release it with love. I can’t carry that negativity forward in my life and future interactions. It’s not mine anymore, and that’s okay. I can look back on that time with gratitude and affection, and move forward. And in doing that I give them space to do the same. I free both of us. I choose to have my last act toward them be an act of love.
This doesn’t mean I’ll never slip into negative thought patterns again with this old friend, but I know there’s a part of me strong enough to choose peace instead. I know releasing them with love actually makes me feel more connected than clinging with resentment.
And I choose love.